1000 Things I Will NOT Do At Hogwarts
by Maisie Malfoy
Summary: This is not an original idea, and I know that. But this here is 1000 original things not found anywhere else. This could probably be Kplus, but I'm going to be safe. This is currently on hiatus so that I can work on a few other things.
1. 1-100

**Hello all! This is my first story under my NEW AND IMPROVED username! I know this is NOT an original idea, but this is an original interpretation in that I will not take inspiration from online or any other similarly named story on this site. Anything similar to something elsewhere online is entirely coincidental.**

 **So, enjoy the first 100! :D!**

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1\. I am not allowed to refer to You-Know-Who as Voldylocks.

2\. I will not search Umbridge's family tree for toads.

3\. I will not force Cho to have a deep heart-to-heart talk about Cedric Diggory.

4\. I will not tell Muggle-born first years that Death Eaters are your friends.

5\. Due to the fact that "abracadabra" sounds very similar to a certain Unforgivable Curse, I am not allowed to say it.

6\. Killing Muggles for the fun of it is called murder, not recreation. There is a very fine line, and I must respect that.

7\. I will not take Hagrid to the zoo.

8\. I will not grab the arms of random Slytherins and parade them around the Great Hall yelling "DEATH EATER! DEATH EATER!"

9\. As a matter of face, I will not do this to anyone.

10\. I am not to start Quidditch matches at inappropriate times and places.

11\. The nickname "Dracy-Poo" is not funny.

12\. Okay, maybe a little bit.

13\. I will not sabotage Hermione in Potions.

14\. Or in any other class.

15\. I will not give Snape a Mandrake as a birthday present.

16\. "Bring a Muggle to School Day" does not exist. I am not to encourage the practicing of such a holiday.

17\. I will not tell the entire school about Neville's parents.

18\. I am not to invite Grawp inside the school for any reason.

19\. Robes are not optional.

20\. I repeat, robes are NOT optional.

21\. I am not to advocate the S.P.E.W. cause during school hours.

22\. I am only allowed to have an owl, a cat, or a toad. I may not keep a dementor as a pet.

23\. Open-wand night does not exist.

24\. I am not to bring Muggle technology to school. This means no computers, no cell phones, and no iPods, to name a few.

25\. "Accio" is not The Force.

26\. I am not to imply that it is.

27\. I will not take pictures of Slytherin girls and market it as "Voldemort's Secret"

28\. If I am asked in a DADA (or any other) class what Avada Kedavra does, I will no longer get up and demonstrate.

29\. I will not take away house points from Muggle-borns.

30\. I will not sing "Weasley is Our King" for any reason unless a Weasley is crowned the king of some foreign country.

31\. I am not to sneak in Muggle weapons under my robes.

32\. I will not announce that Dumbledore is going senile.

33\. As such, I will not kidnap Dumbledore in the middle of the night and admit him to a Muggle nursing home.

34\. I will not kidnap Hermione because I think she secretly belongs in Ravenclaw.

35\. As such, I am not to move students in any House around.

36\. I will not give out Puking Pastilles in Hogsmeade.

37\. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard!" for any reason.

38\. I am to assume yelling "BAM!" every time I Apparate is distracting and not allowed.

39\. I will not sneak butterbeer in from Hogsmeade and give it to the house-elves. Especially not Winky.

40\. I will not cause a mass breakout from Azkaban.

41\. Or St. Mungo's, for that matter.

42\. Or anywhere.

43\. I will not put up a Guess Dumbledore's Age booth when he goes out.

44\. Said booth will not start at 366.

45\. Hagrid is not the BFG.

46\. Dumbledore is not Willy Wonka.

47\. No Roald Dahl character is involved with HP at all.

48\. I will not search Snape's belongings to see if he ever got a love letter from Lily.

49\. Nor am I to ask him about this.

50\. I am not to draw a Harry Potter scar on my forehead.

51\. Or anyone else's.

52\. I am not to get a Voldemort tattoo for any reason.

53\. I will not tell a bunch of lies in order to get the prefects sent to Azkaban.

54\. Asking Dumbledore to the Yule Ball is not allowed.

55\. Quidditch is not to be played indoors for any reason.

56\. I am not to send anyone to St. Mungo's.

57\. I will not perform the Cruciatus Curse on anyone just to send them to St. Mungo's.

58\. "It was Voldemort's idea!" is not a good way to get out of trouble.

59\. I will not declare my undying love for Rita Skeeter.

60\. If Muggles wanted me to give them a ride on my broomstick they would have said.

61\. I will not perform daily showings of Potter Puppet Pals in the Gryffindor common room.

62\. Especially if that is not my House.

63\. "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!" is NEVER an appropriate thing to sing.

64\. I am to assume anything related to the Wizard of Oz is inappropriate and not allowed.

65\. I will not accuse Ron of being in love with Fleur Delacour just so I can watch his face turn red.

66\. If I hear Snape singing "When I Was Your Man" in the shower, I will not spread rumors that he's singing about (gasp!) Harry's mother.

67\. Even if it's true.

68\. I will not bring in Voldemort as the new DADA teacher.

69\. Even if he doesn't kill anybody.

70\. There are many good answers to put down when applying to the Ministry of Magic and they ask "Who was your greatest influence at Hogwarts?" Anyone who died before I was born is not one of them.

71\. Voldemort is not my dad.

72\. Snape is not my dad.

73\. Dumbledore is not my dad.

74\. My dad does not attend Hogwarts.

75\. The Room of Requirement cannot be used as a place to kill Umbridge without anyone finding out.

76\. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 13.5 seconds, I am only allowed to use it during the annual Hogwarts Students v. Death Eaters battles.

77\. But ONLY on the Death Eaters.

78\. I will not bring in a bomb as a Muggle Studies project.

79\. If Snape takes away my House points, I will not tell him what he can do with his wand.

80\. Sirius Black is not Middle Eastern. As such, I will not accuse him of "taking the veil"

81\. Even inside my head.

82\. If I write a scathing review of Hogsmeade on the Wizarding equivalent of the Muggle website TripAdvisor, I will not be allowed back.

83\. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I see myself killing her, even if that's exactly what I see.

84\. I do not have a blobfish Patronus.

85\. Those things are really ugly, so I do not really want one.

86\. Muggles are not allowed to "drive under the influence". Wizards are not allowed to "fly under the influence"

87\. When in the presence of Muggles, I must not fly at all.

88\. I will not enchant Bludgers to hit the nearest Slytherin full in the face.

89\. Wizards do not practice human sacrifice.

90\. Especially not first-year sacrifice.

91\. I will not send Luna Lovegood to the insanity ward at St. Mungo's.

92\. Even if she IS a little loony.

93\. I will not enchant the Sorting Hat to Sort everyone into a fictional fifth House.

94\. I will also not enchant it to yell at the Slytherins, "Your parents are Death Eaters! Get out of here!"

95\. I will not bring a picture of Ariana into Dumbledore's office and scream at him, "YOU KILLED HER!"

96\. And if I do and he asks me where I got the picture from, I will not say I stole it from Snape during detention.

97\. I will not throw things at the ghosts to watch things go through them.

98\. Harry Potter is not my boyfriend.

99\. I must not lead an army of house-elves against Voldemort.

100\. Shouting "Accio Voldemort!" is never appropriate and is likely to get me expelled.

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 **So, here's the first 100. Like? I'll make more. Don't like? I'll still make more! Please present me with any and all feedback. Please, no flames. Constructive criticism only, okay guys?**

 **I leave you with the promise of 100 more as soon as I can,**

 **Maisie Malfoy**


	2. 101-200

**Welcome to 101-200 of our story! Please enjoy!**

 **And I believe in nargles too, #95 refers to Ariana Dumbledore.**

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101\. I am not a dementor.

102\. I am only allowed to have an owl, cat, or toad. I cannot keep a Blast-Ended Skrewt as a pet.

103\. Even if Hagrid insists I have one.

104\. I will not murder the DADA teacher and just start teaching the Dark Arts.

105\. When Crabbe or Goyle walks into a room, I should not sing the Augustus Gloop song.

106\. If I absolutely have to kill somebody, I will use the Avada Kedavra curse rather than Accioing their internal organs.

107\. I will not Apparate home instead of taking the Hogwarts Express like everyone else.

108\. Mainly because it might be hard to sneak off the grounds unnoticed.

109\. I will not set up Draco Malfoy on a blind date with Rita Skeeter.

110\. I will not make up a notebook of fake spells and sell them as cheat sheets to Slytherins.

111\. I will not give each student a Puking Pastille so that the professors have no choice but to cancel classes

112\. I will also not give these to any professor.

113\. And I will not sneak it into a potion and feed it to Snape.

114\. Mrs. Norris does not wish to play with Muggle cats, and I will not kidnap her over the summer.

115\. When a professor asks to see me, I must not scowl and say, "WHADDYA WANT?" instead of, "You wanted to see me, Professor?"

116\. Dumbledore is not "dumber than a doornail" even if his name sounds a little like it.

117\. I will not place a litterbox in Professor McGonagall's office.

118\. When Hermione is within earshot, I will not say loudly, "You might be a Mudblood if..."

119\. Draco Malfoy is not wearing a diaper under his robes.

120\. Nor do I need to make sure he has his binky before going to bed.

121\. Spreading such rumors is not funny.

122\. Okay, maybe it is, but only if no Slytherin ever finds out.

123\. Snape is not my boyfriend.

124\. Voldemort is not my boyfriend.

125\. It is fine if I have a boyfriend but they must be a student.

126\. I will not give Cho Love Potion Number 9 and make Harry watch her fall in love with Draco Malfoy.

127\. Or, even worse, Lucius Malfoy.

128\. I must not steal the Sorting hat at any point before the year's first years have been Sorted.

129\. I will not push Snape into the Vanishing Cabinet.

130\. Dobby is not a proper date to the Yule Ball.

131.I am to assume that bringing a house-elf to any such gatherings is inappropriate and will be viewed as weird.

132\. If I turn seventeen over the summer holidays, I will not take advantage of this and Apparate left and right.

133\. I will especially not Apparate if I do not turn seventeen until the school year begins.

134.I must not use house-elves as my personal slaves.

135\. Well, not while at school. There are no such rules outside of Hogwarts.

136\. I will not kiss Trevor and yell at Neville when he does not turn into a prince.

137\. Trevor is a toad, not a frog.

138\. If Snape takes away my House points, I must not put the slug curse on him.

139\. I must not curse Snape or any Professor at all.

140\. When students sit their O.W.L.S., I will not unleash owls into the room.

141\. The wrath of Hermione will be upon me if I send house-elves on suicide missions.

142\. Yelling "BAM!" and running away is not Apparition.

143\. If I insist that it is, I will be deemed insane and sent to St. Mungo's.

144\. Getting Slytherins to commit suicide is just wrong.

145\. This does not imply I should kill them.

146\. I will not give Snape Love Potion Number 9.

147\. I will not give Voldemort Love Potion Number 9.

148\. I will not give Dumbledore Love Potion Number 9.

149\. I will not give a dementor Love Potion Number 9.

150\. And I am not to give Harry Potter Love Potion Number 9.

151\. I will not order a pizza to the Gryffindor common room.

152\. Especially if that is not my House.

153\. Not all witches melt when water is poured on them, and I will not test this experiment on the Hogwarts grounds.

154\. I should not be sending Howlers to Death Eaters.

155: Even if they killed my mother, father, siblings, aunt, uncle, cousins, grandparents, fourteenth cousins six times removed, etc.

156: Hogwarts does not need a casino.

157: Dumbledore said so.

158: Even though I think Hogwarts needs a casino.

159: Dumbledore does not need me to read him a bedtime story.

160: Nobody cares how much I want to.

161: I will not name my son Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Jr.

162: The following are not my middle name:

Lucius

Dolores

Bellatrix

Severus

Wormtail

Purple Rainbow Bunnies III

163: I must never read Harry Potter books during my stay at Hogwarts and spoil the end of the year for everyone.

164: Even if I got the whole set for my birthday.

165: I will not walk up to Voldemort and say, "Get a job, you bum."

166: I must not use the Room of Requirement as a gym.

167: I am only allowed to use it for completely harmless and legal reasons

168: I must not feed my professors to Aragog.

169: Not even if I've been given more detentions than I can count.

170: I repeat, I am NOT a dementor.

171: I will never be asked to eat four jelly donuts in Care of Magical Creatures without offering anyone any.

172: I won't hire Death Eaters to jump out of paintings and scare people.

173: Dumbledore does not want me to attack him with a curling iron.

174: Attacking the headmaster with anything will lead to me being expelled.

175: I am not allowed to force a niffler into a box and mail it to Lucius until I graduate Hogwarts.

176: I am forbidden to run down the corridors in my underwear.

177: I am not one of 8 students allowed to leave DADA to go golfing with Sirius Black.

178: I don't know who those 8 students are, but I'm not one of them.

179: I must not squeeze toothpaste into the potion of the nearest Hufflepuff.

180: I won't make cupcakes filled with hot sauce and send them to Snape.

181: Even if I really, really, really want to punch him until he works up the guts to fight back.

182: I will not take down the portrait of Armando Dippet in the headmaster's office and give it to the house-elves.

183: I can't break my Trace with a hammer, and if I continue trying to I'm going to wind up smashing something into itty bitty pieces.

184: I am forbidden to crossbreed snakes and hammerhead sharks in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

185: I won't try and sell half-eaten toast in the Slytherin common room insisting it kind of looks like Bellatrix Lestrange.

186: Especially if that is not my House.

187: I don't want to be eaten by almonds under the Imperius Curse as much as I say I do.

188: The professors don't want to hear about the dream I had about goblins drinking firewhisky in the owlery.

189: The Fat Friar has not proposed to the Gray Lady and I won't spread rumors that he has.

190: I won't throw Daily Prophets all over the floor of the common room because I can't be bothered to pick them up.

191: I will not cry loudly when I drop my Potions textbook on my foot.

192: Toddlers cry loudly when they drop things, not children eleven to eighteen.

193: I am not allowed to refuse to go to detention unless someone gives me some barbeque chips.

194: I am forbidden to tell Muggle-born students that they have to write "Mudblood" on their foreheads and walk around like that.

195: If I do in fact do so, I am to deny the whole incident.

196: Rodolphus Lestrange is not God and I need to stop insisting he is.

197: I can't access Instagram within Hogwarts.

198: My bunny slippers do not attempt to eat my dorm-mates while I'm sleeping.

199: I will be sent away from the Yule Ball if I show up in my nightgown and filthy tennis shoes.

200: I can't skip Transfiguration to enter Peter into a county fair as "The World's Weirdest-Looking Rhinoceros"

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 **Tell me: do you want 50 or 100 things in a chapter?**


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